It's Friday. Sex?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
