I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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