He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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