I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
