you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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