Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
