a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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