Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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