I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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