a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
What drink are we having for lunch?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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