the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
