You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
