her vagine was all disorganized.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
