Dual....:-)
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
