hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
