I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
