FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
