Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
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My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
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The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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