She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Drake has all the answers
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
