I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
