Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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