we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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