you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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