WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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