DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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