I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
