so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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