When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
