I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
