i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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