you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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