im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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