Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
