explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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