If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
