Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
