i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
