Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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