Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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