the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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