chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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