im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
