Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
