my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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