I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
