how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
