i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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