Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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