She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
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putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
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He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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