Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
