I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
