I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
