Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
