My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
